B-005 - Bonus Show Episode 5: Ciao, Lord!

Opening vignette
Charly writes a letter to Penthouse, but is interrupted by Robb, Buzz and Oscar.

Synopsis
They discuss the upcoming weekend, which will include the Fourth of July, and how everyone is going to be distracted on the roads. They discuss how they used to have to stay behind, doing drive-time, while the rest of the radio station employees got to leave early on days before holidays. They imagine how everyone is even now heading out to Ocean City on a handful of lanes – which, by the way, is not all that great a place to vacation – maybe better to live there, like Doni. They also discuss how Robb’s father, who has only just started working again, is broken-hearted at not being able to spend the weekend at his beach house.

Something about discussing Robb’s father makes Mike think of a Joe Montegna movie called Naked Fear, which Robb has watched as well – it’s a film about prostitutes being kidnapped, stripped naked and hunted in a wilderness.

Oscar tells his greatest – and saddest – Fourth of July story. He stayed out too late at a friend’s house watching the Capitol Fourth and, in trying to catch the last metro home by sliding down the middle of the escalator, ripped his jeans and severely bruised his coccyx.

Mike had a firecracker explode in his hand while he was trying to relight it – the paper label of the firecracker embedding under the first layer of his skin.

They wonder at how most Americans still have the use of all their limbs, given how stupid we are about the use and storage of our fireworks and other flammables. Robb admits he used to store an extra tank of propane in his grill, next to his house.

Oscar and Buzz tell how they assisted Kara’s bikini contest at The Water’s Edge. Buzz ended up emceeing the event – gratis. Mike cautions Buzz not to follow Oscar’s example of working on the cheap. Anyway, we all want to know if Oscar and Kara are getting along, yet. Last we heard, they were still sparring over his decision to buy himself an expensive car and were living in their separate apartments again. Mike wants to know about the camel toes and breasts. Listeners showed up and the staff at the establishment was interested in potential business with the show – so, professionally, a successful evening.

To Buzz’s surprise, Oscar says that the state of the relationship is unchanged from the day before. Oscar relates how he tried to discuss things with her on the way to the event, but she didn’t want to do so at that time. Buzz mentions that he had received a text from her that evening:

“Had to wait for shmoscar … but we’re about to leave, plus we had some long talk – gag me with a spoon – so we’re running late. Eeee, nervous caller pull.”

Buzz starts to explain how he thought this was a positive development, but Mike wants to know why on earth Kara was texting BUZZ. Oscar’s Girlfriend shows up to add to the paranoia by complaining to Oscar about how insensitive he is compared to Buzz – who understands what it is to be a woman, and who can “please me with his tonnnnngue.”

Oscar continues that there was small talk, they got through the event – who cares? Buzz and Mike insist that he DOES care and he says no, not after what happened on the way home. Apparently, during the ride home, Kara is ready to hash things out and offers the suggestion that they take a late celebratory meal at Denny’s, which Oscar, somewhat drunkenly, insists is a bad idea. Mike is now pissed at Oscar – it was a golden opportunity.

The conversation twists momentarily to Duff Goldberg and Ace of Cakes, and Mike’s desire to have Charm City Bakery do a cake for the podcast.

But, back to Oscar’s big mistake. Mike does not concede that it was responsible of Oscar not to have the big talk with Kara while drunk – shitfaced, he could handle that conversation. So, instead, they have the discussion in the car. “So,” Kara says, “I listened to your show.”

In a nutshell, Kara didn’t care to be called replaceable and still considers Oscar’s purchase of the Audi as not looking toward their joint future together.

At this point, Mike jumps back into the Santana camp and delivers, to Kara, the O’Meara Manifest:

“Men don’t have a lot of toys. I know there is a myth created by the matriarchy that is America that men have a ton of fucking toys. The fact is that we only have a couple of things that we care about – we might care about our fishing pole and we might care about our car – but our car is the number one thing … we care about our cars and we care about your vagine. That’s about it. The rest of our life is one big fucking black hole of toil, and pleasing, and struggle, and compromise – and I’m sorry, but if you want this man back, stay the fuck away from his automobile.”

Oscar wishes Mike had been in the car with him, because what he said wasn’t as eloquent.

“God” shows up –Hi, Dios! – and warns Kara to leave the automobile argument alone and let Oscar get his Audi. To Robb’s inquiry, God replies that he drives a Kia Sorrente. Ciao, Lord.

Oscar’s response to Kara was that the car was fucking coming and she’d better fucking get used to it.

Mike wonders about the suggestions from listeners that Kara is cheating on Oscar. Oscar doesn’t think so, but he’s tired of the passive aggressive behavior. Buzz weighs in again and Oscar wants to know when the heck he got into the mix? Mike warns Oscar about Buzz, “the walking penis,” and notes that Kara is confiding in Buzz. Oscar realizes that Buzz is the glass dick, which Kara is about to break. Bros come first, assures Buzz.

Oscar says that, although he does want to get back together with her, part of him hopes this thing lasts until after the car arrives in three weeks, so she’s not around to rain on his parade. Mike notes that the car situation must be resolved before the car actually arrives. Mike advises Kara that if she can get over this automobile thing, Oscar – who believes in reciprocity – will make it up to her in some manner to her benefit.

Robb offers a story that illustrates the point. He just had his jukebox delivered and Cary’s response was a tepid, “it’s nice to see you happy.” She’s aware of his happiness but not sharing it – acting as if it’s offputting. She didn’t even come down to look at it.

Oscar wonders if he should have the Audi delivered to Mike’s house, so Kara wouldn’t be part of the occasion. Mike speculates how much fun a single Oscar would be. Oscar says that she is still invited to the wedding if she wants to come, but regardless, he will look like sex.

Bonus Audio Vault
The Wally Bachman rave-out.

Buzz’s Sex News
 ·           A new survey shows the best weather for sex is a summer rain. Responders also indicated a willingness to have sex in violent weather – thunderstorms and tornadoes – and to put off sex during a heatwave.

 ·           Miami is the city with the most sex taking place; Minneapolis is the city with the least.

 ·           Robb plays “Laughter in the Rain” and he and Mike quiz Oscar as to who the “woman” is singing it. When Oscar claims it is Pat Benatar, they reveal the true artist, Neil Sedaka.

 ·           Women fake orgasms to get men to finish quickly, so they can get on with their lives, and to make the poor guys feel better about themselves. 1 in 4 women do this regularly and say 90% of the time they make orgasmic sounds just to move things along.

 ·           Women get “vasoconstriction” just like men, called “blue walls.”

 ·           The latest on the attempt to keep Chat Roulette from being just a place for men to flash their penises.